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We Need To Talk: Addressing Unmet Expectations (Part 2 of 3)
Summary
Key Insights
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Unmet expectations largely stem from unclear communication and unspoken assumptions.
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Self-examination and understanding one’s own motivations is critical before addressing others' failures.
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The distinction between being 'nice' and being 'kind' is vital—kindness means addressing hard truths respectfully.
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Situation-Behavior-Impact (or Outcome) is an effective framework to discuss unmet expectations factually.
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Psychological safety is essential before initiating difficult conversations to ensure presence and receptiveness.
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Avoid asking 'why' questions since they trigger defensiveness; prefer 'what' and 'how' to engage logical thinking.
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Documenting expectations and agreements prevents ambiguity and offers a clear frame for accountability.
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Managing unmet expectations differs by role level—early-career staff may need concrete instructions, senior staff require principle-driven guidance.
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Performance Improvement Plans (PIPs) should be last resorts and carefully documented to avoid damage and ambiguity.
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Effective leaders help others align on strategy and vision while trusting them with tactical execution.
Notable Quotes
"We spend all our time in our heads and unintentionally hold others to the same standards without communicating it."
"The difference between being nice and being kind is subtle but core; kindness means telling the hard truth to help."
"If something isn’t going the way it needs to, a little clarity can go a long way."
"Start with inquiry rather than accusation to get to root causes without making others feel attacked."
"Try to observe the situation like a security camera—stick to factual, objective descriptions."
"Avoid 'why' questions because they trigger defensive amygdala responses; use 'what' and 'how' to keep people logical."
"The best solutions come from good questions and sitting with the problem, not rushing to fix."
"When you talk with someone who isn’t meeting expectations, shift from blame to figuring it out together."
"If you’re dealing with someone more senior who won’t engage, appeal to how the problem affects their responsibilities."
"Clarity and cruelty are different things; you want directness without belittling."
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